I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
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Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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