Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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