I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
