I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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