Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
