Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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