My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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