if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
