Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
