Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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