Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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