I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
