Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
