I could have mohawked her pubes.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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