I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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