You were right. It hurts to walk today.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Randomize
