i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
