she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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