I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize