Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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