If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
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Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
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If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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