I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
