Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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