dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
