You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
