This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
