Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
