Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
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it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
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You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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