i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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