i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
