life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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