that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
