If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
wow bdsm is so cute
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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