im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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