Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
