U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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