Apparently you make a good broom.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
