worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
