I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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