I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
