Umm I'm too high to move.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
