sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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