It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Dating After Heartbreak
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening