You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend