Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
