I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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