We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
