I heard we made out
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
