dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
