i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
