I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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