just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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