We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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