In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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