swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
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