some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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