and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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